Rorschach

I know this is random, but yesterday I went to talk to a psychologist....no I'm not going crazy (yet). I went because I've wanted to get tested for OCD for a really long time. I've always had these weird things that really bother me and certain habits people notice and call me out on. Nothing I can't live with, but basically out of curiosity I just wanted to know if I really was. So I picked a random doctor and scheduled an appt. He turned out to be really cool. He was sarcastic and laid back, I never got the "and how does this make you feel". ha. He just asked me some basic questions about my lifestyle and why I decided to come in now.

After talking for a while he told me I definitely had compulsive traits, but he thought the reason they were really coming out now is my constant state of stress...and seriously "constant state of stress" couldn't describe my past few months any better. He told me if I figured a way to take some time for myself and tried to remove the things that really stress me out from my life, things would probably get a lot better....but he also gave me information on all the tests.

He went through 3 or 4 different tests giving me the details and price of each one. The first one was like 60% accurate and $100, the second was 75% and $250, and the third, the Rorschach Test is $500 and over 85% accurate. I know this all seems irrelevant, but when he was telling me the history of and how the Rorshach worked I was really fascinated. So much that I kept bringing it back up asking questions. If you don't know what the Rorschach is, it's the inkblot test. I'm sure everyone has seen it on TV or a movie at some point, but it turns out that the ones we see on TV or the movies are all just random inkblots and not actually the test. The actual pictures that are used during the test are confidential. No one is allowed to have access to them or any of their meanings. They gathered the meanings and interpretations by doing tons of studies on both "normal" people and people suffering from personality and mental disorders. When all people with schizophrenia responded the same way and all the manically depressed responded in a different (but alike within their group) way they started using these as guidelines for testing people.

This doctor does a lot of legal work also and told me that the court systems almost always used that test. He told me after he was trained he thought it would be fun to try it out on his wife, but had to stop in the middle of it because he was finding out things he didn't want to know. This test is supposedly one of the best ways for doctors to figure out what's really going on with you without you actually having to come right out and say it.

I'm definitely not going to take it. One, because he told me I don't need any type of testing and 2 because I'm not so sure it makes sense to pay $500 to let someone figure out your deepest, darkest secrets.

....so I woke up at 4 and couldn't go back to sleep and started reading online about the test and it's history. Which inspired me to tell everyone else about. I know it's kind of hard to imagine how you could judge a person by how they respond to a picture, but for some reason the whole thought of it is really interesting to me.




what do you see?! haha

Just a Little Update

So the past week or so has been one of the busiest/ most stressful ever. I've got so much pressure on me to do good in school, get all of these papers and projects done, and study for finals. Not only do I have to worry about all of that....I've also got to worry about my studio's recital. The actual show is May 17th, but the preparations are what will be so time consuming. I've got to get all of the decorations ready, make sure I have extra copies of all of the music, confirm the photographer and TRY to make my girls as polished as possible. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just go to a show and sit in the audience....not worried about how it would go or if the people liked the decorations. Not worried about whether one of the girls' names were misspelled in the program or anything like that. Just to go to a show, sit back and enjoy it. That would be interesting. haha

Because of all this my OCD is kicking in major. I probably have 50 different lists laying around the house at the moment. All of things that need to be done. I'm weird about my lists. I write EVERY thing down.

• Recital decorations
  
• call Carmen Tedder
• design programs
• buy tanning package
• groceries
• oil changed
• Bank deposit
• Paper due tomorrow
• study, study, STUDY
  

haha those are just a few examples of the millions of things running through my head at the moment.

I recently picked up something new...Ebay.
I got this bright idea to try to sell some of my old dresses and dance costumes from high school. It's weird because all of the things I knew wouldn't sell are either being watched or bid on.

Why a grown man wants to buy my Jail house rock costume from the 6th grade...I'm really not sure.

The last time I posted was the opening night of my Spring Concert with my college dance company, so I guess I'll end with some pics from that.


The night my fam came to watch.



Sarah and Marissa. Love them!

Anthony!




I love these people. Each one of them has something amazing and unique to offer and i feel so lucky to be sharing this experience with them.

Opening Night!

Opening night of our show TONIGHT!!!

We didn't get out of rehearsal until after 11 last night. I came in and not only decided to eat so late, but decided I didn't really feel like eating healthy either. I ate pizza.....I haven't eaten pizza in forever. Awful, but oh well. It was amazing. After adding 15 pounds to my figure I washed my face, brushed my teeth, pulled all of the bobby pins out of my hair and passed out.

This morning when I woke up I ran my fingers through my hair and quickly remembered how much hair spray I had put in it the night before. Ouch.

I've already got butterflies and a million things to do before tonight. Supposedly my Dad's side of the family is coming....I tried calling yesterday and couldn't get anyone to answer. Weird.

Wish me Luck! :)

Good 'ole Chuck.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

-Chuck Palahniuk

I'm skipping my Astronomy test as we speak.. Probably not the best of ideas but I felt like crap this morning.... just drained and achy. Oh well.

I'm now in the SLOW process of getting ready to head to campus for the rest of my classes today and then get ready for our LAST rehearsal before the show. Most people would be nervous, but I'm just glad that after tonight someone besides our instructors will be out there watching.

Being 4 days away from having some freedom back doesn't sound too shabby either! :)

Sorry For Another Rehearsal Post...But That's All My Life Consists Of!!

Rehearsal was EXHAUSTING!!

5:00-10:30....I literally just walked in the door! It's pretty sad to say that I've eaten cereal like 5 times in the last two days because I'm just TOO tired to make anything else. Props to Cinnamon Chex....they make me a happy girl! Ha




You get to witness the wonderful headband first hand and apparently my awkwardly bony shoulder blade. --It doesn't always look that way, promise. haha




Will I meet my soul mate in the dance company? Doubtful. I'll let you use your imagination on why not. haha love them.



Just some dressing room love...I look like I'm about 12.

Easter Sunday, Bum Day.

This is the first Easter I haven't spent with my family, and I'm bummed. A normal Easter would consist of going to church with mom and the kids, hanging out with them for a while and then heading to see my Dad's side of the family to eat way more than necessary. Oh...the amazing life of a kid with divorced parents! ha Don't let it fool you, I've grown up my entire life this way and you learn to love it....Although I refuse to fall into the norm of everyone these days, I will do everything in my power to marry the right person and make that commitment last.

I almost forgot to mention that on top of not getting to be with the family...and being home alone. I had the worst weather EVER to look forward to. It's been pouring ALL day long. Let's just say unloading groceries and rain don't go too well together!

Rehearsal was so draining yesterday...which is why I didn't make the drive home. We were required to be there at 10am. So I get there thinking I'm going to be dancing non-stop only to find out it was a "tech" rehearsal, which means they were trying to get the lighting and whatnot figured out for the show. We would start our dance like normal and while we were mid-movement they would say "dancers hold please" and we would literally have to freeze however we were. Upside down, in a lift...whatever we were doing had to be held. Which was hilarious...and pretty much impossible for a lot of people. So naturally, we made fun of each other...and then got in trouble for that. Soooo....we repeated every piece this way until 2pm when we FINALLY got a break to eat. We all went to Chili's and had lunch and had to be back at 4:30 for warm up. Then we had to run the entire show straight through.

I got to see my spanish styled costume for the "Conversations" piece...it turned out really good, minus the headband. It was a fabric headband that goes all the way around my head and it made me look like, well...not good. ha Oh well.

I finally got to re-decorate my bathroom today...it's still in the process, but I like it.

This is what I based everything else in the bathroom on. You can't tell that much about it, but all the pieces that aren't colored are little mirrors. It's really awesome...All the towels and other decorations are brown and cream :)

Anyways....I've got to get busy on a review that is due tomorrow and study for a test I have Wednesday that I know I'm not going to have time to study for later. Not to mention I've got some sour gummy bunnies that my room mate just brought me calling my name. :) haha

Happy Easter!

Just an intro and a bunch of rambling about dance...

I guess in ways I'm just like every other college student in their twenties dying to be in the real world and out of the classroom...but who wants to classify themselves as typical?

Even though my "plate" is way past full, I decided that was even more the reason I should start doing this. I'm not going to be able to remember all this and one day I'm really going to want to look back on these amazing experiences.

---to elaborate on my "plate" let's start with the fact that I recently (by recently I mean this past fall, ha) moved 2 1/2 hours away from home and enrolled at a different college because of the new dance program they were opening. Although all of the dance classes + regular classes + rehearsals + shows +work, can be overwhelming I really love it and think it will all be worth it.
-the complicated part of this distance between my house and "home", is that EVERY Monday and most Saturday and Sundays I have to drive that long 2 1/2 hours to the studio my mom and I own, to teach. ---everyone always reacts the same way when I tell them about this by telling me how crazy I am. Which I guess when I step back and look at it, it is kind of ridiculous...but I just can't bring myself to close down my studio. I absolutely love my students and if I don't drive home to teach them...they don't have a choice but to find another studio. Mom passed the studio down to me when I graduated highschool and I feel like if I ever close it down, it will never be the same. I know more than likely I won't end up living in my hometown for the rest of my life, but at this point in my life I would rather wear my car and body out than make that big of a decision.....not to mention it's not exactly awful getting to see my family at least once a week. :)

I'm not sure what happened this month, or the last for that matter, but the weeks are FLYING by. I guess having rehearsals EVERY single night probably helps with that.

I know that it's normal to always doubt yourself, but I seriously get lost in the crowd sometimes. I look around in class at these amazing dancers and wonder how in the world I got there....and then I hear my modern teacher in the background and have to make myself forget about whatever I'm thinking about to try and master whatever insane choreography she came up with for today. To give a visual, she's one of the skinniest people I've met...and being in the dance business, that's saying alot. She used to have long reddish-blonde hair but I guess to add to her modern edge decided to cut it all off in a cut that's shorter than most guys...(has the whole Mia Michaels thing going on). She doesn't believe in giving our accompanist an 8ct or a beat to go off of, instead she describes the music she wants by saying things like "jeeyah teeeDAHteeDAH ehhhYUCKehhteeDAH". haha...that's the best I can do.

Today was just one of those days...I just really wasn't in dance mode. I just wanted to leave the studio, walk to my car....collect my 884539753rd parking ticket of the semester, drive to my house and get back in bed, but obviously that wasn't an option because if you miss a single class, you're out of the show. period.

I don't even want to re-read what I just wrote because I know 99% of it is about dance or something dance related. I hate that I'm that predictable...but it's all I ever do lately, so it consumes my conversation. I should really get out more. Like tonight for instance....my one night off, you would think I would go out to eat, maybe go see a movie or hang out with some friends, but instead I've been sitting at home all night and the only time I left was to pick up my takeout sushi. It's just like whenever I'm not at work or rehearsal all I want to do is be lazy. I can't wait to graduate and have a normal routine. I can't wait to get married and start a family....start teaching kindergarten (yeah, you heard me right) and expand my studio. :)

A few of my 5 and 6 year olds backstage at a competition. They did AMAZING!!